You always break the kindest heart,
With a hasty word you can't recall.
So, if I broke your heart last night,
It's because I love you most of all.
OK, that's weird. And in the world of conflict resolution, I'm quite certain that rationale won't get you very far. There is some truth to it, of course. But I feel like taking this apart a bit. It requires some honest self-analysis OK? Wait! Where are you going??? Nothing to be scared of here. All we're going to do is compare how we treat our friends and family with how we treat people we barely know. OK, let's get started by breaking this down into the two groups ...
Group 1 is the people in your life, the family members, the friends you've had for awhile. In short, the people who know you best.
Group 2 is the people you encounter from time to time, or perhaps once in your life. Ranges from casual acquaintance to one time encounter.
I know some people who treat the Group 1 people with a high level of kindness and respect and they treat the Group 2 people in their lives with the same level of kindness and respect. Hokay?! That's a beautiful thing. The perfect example would be our first subject. We'll call this guy, Canis lupis familiaris.
| Treats his family… | Treats people he barely knows | |
| Canis (Subject 1) | 100 | 100 |
This is ideal. Someone who is a kind person and honest with themselves and others. And I've given him the scientific name of a domesticated dog because no human being is this kind. Make sense?
Now, here's another type, we'll call this guy, Felis catus. Like a domesticated cat. Sure, add him to the list.
| Treats his family… | Treats people he barely knows | |
| Canis (Subject 1) | 100 | 100 |
| Felis (Subject 2) | 10 | 10 |
This is not a debate about cats and dogs. I'm simply pointing out two extremely different personality types. OK, but personality types doesn't say quite enough. Felis is pretty honest above. But Felis makes no attempt to get out of his comfort level of displaying apathy toward everyone in his life. As Humanus plentius on-earth-isus, (made that up) we have to figure out how to channel our personality types into kind and respectful behavior toward others. Be kind to animals too, whether it's a cat or a dog. Especially dogs.
We've seen two extreme examples. One guy isn't kind to ANYBODY and the other is kind toward everyone. What about this rare breed?
| Treats his family… | Treats people he barely knows | |
| Humanus inconsideratus… | 70 | 30 |
This guy is actually a pretty honest guy. Why shouldn't he treat his loved ones well? The people with whom he spends all his time? The flaw here isn't honesty, it is that he is introverted and a bit insensitive to it and strangers. And - I don't mean to give him a pass here because outsiders basically think he's snandoffish and he needs serious work on his people skills. Sure, he doesn't have a lot of friends and makes a terrible first impression, but he's trustworthy. Actually, I have a couple friends who are like this and they are really good friends to have. They'd do anything for you - they just wouldn't do the same for .... that guy.
Subject 4?
| Treats his family… | Treats people he barely knows | |
| Humanus most-of-us-icus… | 60 | 70 |
Part of the reason you treat Group 2 with kindness and respect is because it is the right thing to do. "Do unto others" and all that. And you treat the G1 well most of the time because you love them. I wonder ... why do I sometimes treat Group 2 BETTER than I treat Group 1? Actually, I don't wonder very long because I know the reason. It's very simple. The thing is, this species is always thinking about how THEY are being perceived. They know that Group 1 knows all their flaws and faults and there is nothing to be gained selfishly by treating them with kindness and respect - their opinion of you isn't going to change!
How he treats Group 2, that's another story. Most-of-us-icus wants to be well judged. Wants to make a good first impression. And to an extent, he is full of bull. It would appear, by the number, he's full of at least 10 bulls. Because Group 1 is getting the REAL level of respect and kindness he has for others. Group 2 is getting a little bit of kindness with a dose of "selfish-desire-to-feel-good-about-oneself-through-the approval-of-strangers." And most of us have this tendency to varying degrees. In short, our loved ones aren't going to provide us with artificial good feelings about what a nice guy we are. They know us too well. But the possibility exists with every stranger we encounter, we can so wow them with our false charm, that we raise the world's agregate perception of us.
Sadly, there is another species and it is our final group. A hideous mutation of most-of-us-icus. Hideous, but often appearing to be the most beautiful of all. I have known more than my share of these folks. I think I was one once. And I had to have some work done. Surgical work. INVASIVE. Cost a fortune. Anyway, here he is ...
| Treats his family… | Treats people he barely knows | |
| Humanus selfcentricus… | 30 | 90 |
What are the warning signs? It's hard to say because the only people who know this about you are the people you're close to. And they love you anyway. If you're treating the Group 2 people WAY better than you treat the Group 1 people, you are ... hmmmm... how to put this? You are selfish. You are far too concerned with what others think of you. And you likely have no real inkling of how those closest to you really see you and thus, how you truly are.
Remember, this is the extreme example. This could be the nicest guy in the neighborhood or the most active PTA mom at the school. It might be the new couple who seems a bit anxious to break into the inner circle (they sometimes hunt in pairs)
The chief thing to remember here if we're scoring at home. You don't average the two together and get a 60. No, no, no. You get a 30. Because the real you is scoring a 30 on the kindness scale. The "respect" you show strangers isn't respect at all but a carefully rehearsed advertisement for yourself. It isn't important to you that you be kind to strangers - well, perhaps 30 points of it is. The other 60 points is a measurement of how important it is that they THINK you are a great guy! That's what's really happening here.
"I don't care about being kind because it's the right thing to do. If I did, I'd be nicer to the people who know me best. I really just want people to THINK and SAY that I'm a wonderful person", he would say if he had the capacity for stark honesty.
One way to tell if you may be a selfcentricus, you probably have a lot of 'new' friends but very few - if any - old ones. You might be overly inclined to do things with people from work or with clients. You have a lot of relationships that are based on transactions and mostly stay on the surface. Oddly, you engage in deep conversation with people with whom you've just met, probably about relationship problems you're having with your Group 1. Here's what makes you the opposite of the Humanus inconsideratus described above. You would bend over backwards, give the shirt right off your back, do anything ... for a casual acquaintance. Because you have this vision that your kindness will be discussed and admired and word of your good deeds will spread far and wide. "Can you believe how nice he is? And I've only known him for a short while. Imagine how nice he is to his close friends."
Yeah, he ain't all that great actually.
Beware the humanus selfcentricus. They can seem very charismatic and charming at first but the fun doesn't last for long and if it does, you'll soon be changing groups in their mind and they will be moving on to the next person who will do a better job at making them feel good about themselves.
Insightful. :)
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