I am also talking to myself. (that's the youngest, Annie)
We live in a house of competitors. I've noticed that the kids have picked up on the importance of winning. I admit, they've learned that from Mom and me, in addition to the natural way that kids pick up on these things. Unfortunately, though I've matured through the years, a loss can affect my day in a negative way and people around me are usually able to tell!
Just last week, I went out for a round of golf. The very first question the kids asked, "Did you win?" "Well..." I said, thinking to myself, 'What have we wrought?', then I said aloud "We didn't really keep track of that." My oldest, Tucker, looks at me puzzled, "Yeah, but ... if you add up the scores, who won?"
Profound statement, that. Because 99% of the time, there is a winner and a loser, whether or not we know who's who. And I have to admit, I'm rarely that diplomatic. My son learned it from me. And by the way, I really think we tied. We played for a modest wager per hole and as it always seems to happen with my brother-in-law, we ended up owing each other nothing.
This from a blog I came across on facebook ...
http://studerteam.blogspot.com/2011/11/25-rules-for-mothers-of-sons.html?m=1
Let him lose
Losing sucks. Everybody isn't always a winner. Even if you want to say, "You're a winner because you tried," don't. He doesn't feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that's a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again.....) Instead make sure he understands that - sometimes you win - sometimes you lose. But that doesn't mean you ever give up.
I thought that was worth exploring and pointing out. The way I've always explained it: you learn very little when you win. You might learn that, "I'm a pretty good ballplayer" or "We're a better team than they are" or "Man, that guy has no idea how to play chess." I've learned in 30 years of tennis that the better I think the opponent is ("I have no chance of beating this guy") the better I play. And conversely, the more wins I have, the more overconfident I become. Beware the day when you face an opponent thinking, 'I'm about to wipe the court with this guy.' Man do I have some stories in this department.
And I tell the kids, 'You learn a lot about people and about life and you are more motivated to get BETTER when you lose.' The important thing is, don't make winning so important that a loss means you quit competing. Always compete and always do your best and the losses will serve to make you better.
I see it often. We all see it. Heck, we've all done it to some degree, I'm sure. The extreme form: the mom who politics to get on a board so her kid will always have a spot on the team. The guy who coaches so his son can be the running back. Are we doing those kids any favors? Or does their world come crashing down the day they realize that every accolade they've ever received has been carefully orchestrated by the parents? Does a childhood spent making sure she doesn't ever get her feelings hurt mean the setbacks later in life are multiplied emotionally? Seems to reason.
Let the kids play. And let the kids decide - through practice and talent and performance - who wins and who loses. Because for every kid that has had the game 'fixed' so he wins more than he loses, some kid is going to have to lose more than he wins to make up for it.
Yep ... I'm talking to you!!! (and me)
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