File this under the heading, "Things not to say anymore". My fellow coaches and I have sort of joked about it on the football field this year. We had a string of injuries to start the season and each time I would pronounce an injury as 'nothing serious', it came to pass that the injury WAS serious. When I say we joked about it, understand, it isn't funny. Not at all. We haven't really joked about it as much as we've just wondered at how many times somebody got hurt and it turned out to be serious. And I said, (really without thinking only that I was hopeful) "It's nothing serious". And I was wrong. So I'm not saying it anymore.
The fact is, I've been wrong about this sort of thing too often. Who am I to tell if someone is hurt badly or will be able to shake it off in a day or so? I hate being wrong. But as I get older, and it happens more often, I learn that being wrong is just something that can happen from time to time and that the important thing is not to make it worse by denying that you're wrong. My own dilemma, not shared by everyone, is I become so convinced of being right that the being wrong part that comes later stings more than it should. But that's ok. I'm a big boy, and I can deal with it. I guess the point is, there's no reason to take a position on an issue if you really don't know what you're talking about. And since I'm not a doctor, I really have no business taking a position on injuries. Saves me the trouble of being wrong, too. I think I'll just stay quiet and hope the injury isn't serious.
Since we're on the subject of me and being wrong, I'll tell you where I am most wrong. And again, it makes no sense. Confession time, OK? I tend to think people get their feelings hurt too easily and I sometimes take that too far and cast too wide a net. It's actually quite like my stupidity with the injuries: "Ah, you'll be OK. Toughen up!" Heather says I have a real problem with sympathy. I think she's right but I think the real issue is more complicated. I think I want so badly for things to NOT be a big deal that I tell myself and anyone who is listening that it isn't a big deal.
For example, I've often reflected and wondered about people who go through family break-ups. I've not gone so far as to suggest that they should easily recover but I've often wondered about some of the weird by-products of the D word. Divorce.
I've heard it said a million times and you have too. And I've never really understood it: "I guess I blamed myself for my parents' divorce." In my mind, I'm conjuring of visions of this awful bratty kid and the parents get together and decide that this kid is just awful. The only thing they can figure out is to flip a coin and the loser has to stay with the kid. That's really the only scenario I can visualize that makes sense of the statement where someone blames themselves for their parents' divorce. And since I know that isn't realistic, I usually find myself thinking, "why would he blame himself for his parents' divorce?" The broken relationship was the marriage - not with the kid.
I'll tell you another thing that has baffled me in the past. I've noticed that, particularly when a father leaves his family, his son sometimes blames the mom. I'm sure it happens both ways but I've noticed it this way. That's also been a puzzler. "Look, kid. Your father is the jerk here, don't be mean to your mom. You should be able to tell who is really at fault. It's pretty clear."
Before you freak out on me and tell me what a callous guy I am, I'm telling you now that I've figured some of this out on my own. And I understand a little of why this is simply one of the most gut-wrenching, soul-stealing things a family can go through. I understand it is a big deal, because I've only had a little taste. And just that little taste has rocked my world. Here I am a 30-something year old - oh that's right, I'm 40 now. Here I am a 40 year old and I am deeply affected by the breakup of a relationship. And it's not even my own! It's not even my parents'! I can't begin to grasp how a child processes this when it is going on in front of his/her eyes. It's really a horrible, terrible thing and I pray for anyone who is going through it or has dealt with it.
I see better now how a child might think that he/she is to blame. It isn't the thought that, "I'm such a bad kid, etc" it is the thought of, "I wasn't good enough. I wasn't interesting enough. I wasn't fun. My father wanted a kid much different from me. If I had been the kind of kid my father really wanted, this wouldn't be happening." And what horrible words to type, much less feel. I have to say, my heart breaks to think that children endure this and these internal battles.
The other issue? I see better also. The one where the boy takes his dad's side even though it is the dad's fault? (I am really big on the thought that it takes two, by the way) I understand that thought too because there's a thought process that goes along with it. "Dad did what? He must've had a really good reason. It must've been Mom's fault." We have this larger-than-life guy in our lives and we know he would never do the things he's done without proper justification. For a child, this would be like God letting you down. God can't let me down so it must've been someone else's fault here.
I'm sad today. And I'm humbled and honestly, I feel kind of foolish. But I understand things a bit better. I won't be saying, "Rub dirt on it, kid" to anyone, anymore. I think I'll just do the very best I can to listen and be ready with a hug and a kind word.
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