What is the biggest mistake parents are making? Remember, I'm only talking about 10 and under here but I think there's a wide application. It is something so fundamentally EASY to see in others and yet even the best folks are out there messing it up at times. Based PURELY on observation, fixing this issue (which is a lot harder to do than starting off right) will make everyone's life easier.
Picture a mountaintop. /\ Imagine a pebble falling straight down on top of the mountain. One inch to the left - one millimeter to the left, will mean that that pebble will end up at the bottom of the hill on the left. One inch to the right and the pebble will end up at the bottom on the right. That is the metaphor I think of when I think of this particular issue because the difference between right and wrong can be microscopic but the results are FAR, FAR apart. Indeed this is why it is so surprising when parents who are so very similar in their approach but they differ on small things, end up with far different patterns of behavior.
Scenario 1 - JR is 4 in this story
JR: Dad, I want to watch TV.
Dad: Sorry, son. Dad's watching golf right now.
Pretty simple, right? Kid asks for something totally reasonable, Dad responds with an equally reasonable no.
(Continued)
JR: But Dad, I haven't been able to watch TV all day
Dad: Son, the Master's are on. It's Sunday. Why don't you sit up here with Daddy and we can watch it together?
JR: NO! I don't want to watch golf. I wanna watch (I don't know) Itsy Bitsy Boo. (starts crying)
The moment of truth. What would you do in this story? Be honest with yourself because a lot of you SAY you would be firm here but in truth, VERY few of you are. Here come the guilt thoughts. Your father might've backhanded you for being such a wuss. Maybe your father wasn't there at all so you don't know what to do. But stronger than all these impulses, you conclude to watch the Master's would be selfish and as the father, you need to let your kid watch Itsy, Bitsy Boo.
(Continued)
Dad: Alright, buddy. Stop crying. We'll watch Itsy, Bitsy Boo.
You just lost. You just got gamed by a 4 year old. And you know what? Both of you just lost. You just don't know it yet. You see, the second best advice I ever got was that children are not brought into the family to be the center of the family. They are to be additions to the family. "Welcome to the family", sure. "We love you", sure. But we're sure as HELL not supposed to concede the throne to a child. You laugh, but it is an epidemic in this country. And ironically, causing major issues with the children themselves.
In the book, Generation Me, Dr. Jean M. Twenge says, "GenMe's expectations are so great and our reality so challenging that we will probably get less of what we want than any previous generation." In other words, we're setting up our children for more DISAPPOINTMENT than any American Generation. The sub-title says it all: "Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - And More Miserable Than Ever Before".
Scenario 2
JR: Dad, I want to watch TV.
Dad: Sorry, son. Dad's watching golf right now.
JR: But Dad, I haven't been able to watch TV all day
Dad: Son, the Master's are on. It's Sunday. I can promise you that every Sunday as long as they still play the Master's, we will have it on. Why don't you sit up here with Daddy and we can watch it together?
JR: NO! I don't want to watch golf. I wanna watch (I don't know) Itsy Bitsy Boo. (starts crying)
Dad: Let me tell you something. You don't always get your way. And not getting to watch your TV show is not something you should cry about. Either stop crying and stay in here and watch golf with me, or go find something else to do.
You just won. And your family just won. And not just because you get to watch your golf tournament. Contrary to the culture-at-large, you've established a number of expectations that foster good family leadership and a quality life lesson. And it wasn't even hard.
And because I just can't resist, this is exactly what I say to mine. If you don't believe me, ask 'em! :)
Coming up, we'll take Scenarios 1 and 2 and see what might happen when little Junior is 6.
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