OK. So you're asking, "Dr. T, what is the big deal? Sometimes the little bugger is persistent and in a moment of weakness, I give in."
Well, you're making life tougher on yourself. Because while kids will always try to get their way to an extent, the more of an opening you leave there, the harder it will be to stay firm.
When Little JR is six, you'll try to put your foot down. And he'll start crying. And he's older now, and smarter. And he has some weapons at his disposal and if he picks the right one, (he's learned) he will eventually win out.
Of course, it's never too late. When you say no to your kids, you can begin NOW to stick to it. Then the next time, their little minds will know, "This has worked for me before but it doesn't always work" and soon, "This just doesn't work anymore. I may as well realize that when Mom or Dad says no, they mean no."
And believe me, I struggle with this. The way our family works, my daughter knows to come to me for stuff. Because I struggle saying no to her. And I don't really have the same struggle with our son. DISCLAIMER: If we're at a UGA football game or a sporting event, I usually get him pretty much whatever he wants because I do think there are certain times that signal to kids, 'this is different, this is a special place where special things happen'. But for the most part, I'm pretty firm with him. Whereas my wife, she doesn't fall for Annie's cute routines.
So I've learned if Annie asks if she can wear something, I know that I may not have the best judgment in the world and often I'll defer. Other times, our son needs a man to be firm with him and I have no problem doing that. His mom will tell him it's time for bed and she has a soft spot for him and isn't always totally convincing. I see him basically ignore it and a quick word from me usually gets him moving upstairs.
Now, why is this so important? Kids need CLEAR boundaries. We live in a culture where life is very complicated and it seems, everything is up for negotiation. What's the speed limit? Well, it's 65 but you can probably get away with going 75. There's a whole lot of gray area out there and I don't think it does our kids any favors to muddy the waters, so to speak.
Wayne Parker says it far better than I can.
"Children naturally experiment and push boundaries in their quest to mature and learn to be a part of society. Not everything they try will be right every time. Parents are part of their lives to correct them and teach them appropriate child behavior. It is, after all, better to learn young the realities and expectations of life than to learn later in a much higher risk situation.
When fathers work with their children in setting and enforcing appropriate limits, they teach them skills and tools for a productive life. If you set and maintain limits, your children will learn from your positive discipline and develop their own sense of right and wrong and attitude of self-discipline. Sometimes, we feel like spoiling our children a little is a way to show them love. But do they feel loved? Perhaps, but more importantly, they feel empowered to do as they please. A better sign of love is to see that our children develop positive child behavior by consistently following the rules."
I heard another expert say this about small children. When they push the envelope on your authority they are asking, even BEGGING, to be shown the boundary. And the way they 'ask' for boundaries, is to challenge them. In a very real sense, firmly placing the boundary there is very comforting. Because your authority is not just there for their correction but they depend on it for stability.
"Do you worry that your kids will miss out?" An excellent question. And in some cultures and in other parts of this city and certainly in other times, I would say, yes. But they have so much to do and so many opportunities, I think we should actually be LOOKING for opportunities to tell them no, always ready with an explanation as to why.
"Can we get some ice cream?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Ice cream is not an every day activity and you just had ice cream last night."
No problem with that. I think if the kid presses you beyond that point, there should be consequences or at least a much sterner response.
"But I want some."
"I SAID no and I meant it."
I don't know and I don't think my kids want to know what happens after that because I've never been challenged beyond that point.
"Can I play Wii?"
"No"
"I haven't played Wii at all today!"
"Playing Wii is not a guaranteed daily activity."
Simple enough.
Now we can all watch with glee as I am sure I am going to be tested beyond my abilities!
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